The Motions Of The Dentist

There are a couple of things I know about The Knockouts.

I came across them when I found Mr. Side-To-Side down the back of some decks in an Eastern London entertainment parlour. Whether it had been placed there, for someone of inquisitive mind and nimble finger to find I’ll never know. But I have my suspicions.

In their own words, they play loud instrumental music. They are not accomplished, but do not wish to be. They are not popular; which is a shame, although they're too old for that nonsense now.

Truly then, these are gentlemen after my own heart.

Their loud instrumental music takes it’s lead from the filthy, fuzzy sound of The Monks and their ilk, but obviously without the wailing, and with a bit more of a tendency to wander into the nonsense, which is where it gets well dusty.

There are plenty more of the downloads on their site, although they don’t really seem to be knocking about anymore. So sad, so sad...

The Knockouts - Ransom Notes

The Knockouts - Bad Vibes

The Knockouts – Hit The Gravel, Sister

There’s one more reason to salute The Knockouts – there’s a link on their site to this.

Ezarchive Are A Bunch Of Shite

The fine people at Ezarchive, my foolish choice of file-hosty-type-thing, have informed me that as well as being a bunch of shite, their servers are being migrated somewhere or other, and whilst that happens, nothing can be got at. I'm assured that once this is sorted out, everything will be brilliant. We shall see.

So, if you can't download anything, that's the reason why. And if there's nothing new up for a couple of days, that's the reason why. If anyone can recommend a better file-hosty-type-thing, please relieve me from this misery. In the meantime, please enjoy something else, from a simpler time...

The Nation's Favourite

We all love Squarepusher. Some bint said so on the telly the other day. Therefore it must be true.

Because we all love Squarepusher, we’ve probably all got Hello Everything. And if we haven’t, no doubt we can find it dotted around this merry futureweb of ours. So, not being one to regurgitate without good reason, let’s leave the new album alone.

The secret special surprise bonus Vacuum Tracks 3-incher is worth a moment of our reflection though. It consists of five versions of Vacuum Garden, a gently building, gradually shifting synthetic sound-track of concurrent waves, moving over six or so distorted minutes, appearing midway through Hello Everything.

The five alternate versions, entitled 4026 Melt 1, 3, 4, 5 and 6 are entirely similar to the version included on the album, differing in length and pace, but using the same base sounds and technique.

The inclusion of the 3-incher seems to suggest that whilst one particular version of the track was definitely preferable in respect of the album, there was thought to be some value in the other five versions, to warrant including them alongside the album in such close proximity to each other.

Whether the value lies within the merits of the individual versions themselves, a demonstration of the artistic development process, an attempt to coax more out of the listener, or maybe to fulfil an obligation, we don’t know. That’s up to you.

Squarepusher - 4026 Melt 3

Squarepusher - 4026 Melt 5

Numero Uno En Inglaterre

The things I like about Lieutenant Pigeon are:

1 – One of their mums played piano for them, dressed as a witch

2 – They used pretty much the same rhythm for all of their songs

3 – Their b-sides were genius

Follow this blueprint, read The Manual, and lead a happy, productive life.

Lieutenant Pigeon - The Villain

Lieutenant Pigeon - Opus 300

The Tale Of Joseph P Ramshark

The sea is a mysterious beast. It covers more than 93% of the Earth’s service, and yet only the merest proportion of it is explored – indeed, man knows more about the surface of Neptune than he does the depths of the oceans. In its deepest darkest chasms lurks life that our limited imaginations cannot begin to comprehend. And on its waves, stories are created with every tide.

Joseph P Ramshark was a well-respected Fisherman, from a long line of Fishermen. His Father was a Fisherman, his Fathers Father was a Fisherman, His Fathers Fathers Father was a Fisherman and so it continued. One could say that Joseph was born with that salty seawater running through his veins, for he was to water what a bird was to the sky. For many a decade Joseph had trawled the mid Atlantic waters around his village and had never once returned empty handed, always providing his small village with enough fish to eat. Often the villagers would comment on how hard Joseph worked to allow them this privilege, sometimes staying out at Sea for days to ensure that he would return with something in his nets. It was often said that Joseph worked hard to keep his mind occupied, for his was a troubled past. He had lost his wife many moons ago in tragic circumstances for it was whilst she was in labour with their first and only child Mary that Joseph’s wife, Helen left this mortal realm. Some say that he blamed himself for her death, others that he missed her so very much he needed to keep busy, God knows it can get very lonely at sea, sometimes all one can do is think.

Despite the complications of her birth, their daughter Mary was a strong healthy baby, the apple of her father’s eye. Joseph vowed never to leave her wanting anything. For many years Mary and her Father lived together happily in their little thatched cottage, situated to the North end of the little village, on the coast. Joseph would go out Fishing in the daytime and return to cook and eat his prime catch of the day in the evening with his beloved daughter. It was not until Mary was nine or ten that Joseph would allow her to go on his fishing trips with him; this was not because of Mary’s lack of interest either. She could often be heard boasting about how he was going to be just like her old man, would provide her village with a wealth of seafood. Joseph however would retort that the sea was just too dangerous and unpredictable for a young girl like Mary. Her persistence however must have paid off because by Mary’s 10th birthday Joseph was taking her out on his boat and teaching her his craft, just as his father had taught him. Many say that this was probably the happiest period of his life, spending the days out on the high sea, just him and his daughter.

This happiness was short lived because one dark, miserable day Joseph was dealt a shattering blow. Whilst out fishing with Mary they happened upon a terrible storm but this was no ordinary storm, they both became aware of something hammering on the bow of the boat. Sent by her father to check what the noise was Mary was leaning over the front of the boat when it happened. A huge fish, perhaps twice the size of their boat reared up its big scaly head and launched itself at Mary grabbing her between its huge razor like teeth and dragging her down, down into the depths of the ocean. That was the last time Joseph ever saw his daughter, as he stood there on his boat and helplessly watched her disappear into the dark waters below. Heartbroken Joseph returned to shore promising himself that he would never return to sea again until he had built something to kill the fish and avenge his daughter. Joseph had seen many fish in his time but nothing quite as big, gruesome and as thoroughly dangerous as this one.

Joseph entered what we now refer to as his ‘dark period’ he hit the bottle in a big way and refused help from anyone in the village. He became a total recluse never leaving his house, the shutters were always drawn and the only type of human contact he got was from a ‘special’ girl from ‘meals on wheels’ who brought him his hot meals everyday and did his weekly grocery shop for him. Penny was different; she wasn’t the full ticket. Sure, she could care for herself and others as she’d proven in her two-year stint as ‘meals on wheels’ but she was a little, you know, simple. Neighbours say that over the year that Joseph shut himself away there was constant noise coming from his house, it sounded as if he was constructing something in there. His fellow villagers grew tired of the noise and soon forgot about the great things that Joseph had done for them. They began to bitch and moan, asking one another “What’s he building?” “What’s he made?” of course, no one knew the answer apart from Joseph himself and Penny. Penny, the ‘special’ girl from ‘meals on wheels’ was the closest friend Joseph had, she was not like the others in the village, she didn’t judge Joseph she treated him like she would anyone else. Whether her condition was the reason for this was neither here nor there for Joseph, and he soon fell madly in love with the Retard. They got married secretly in the shadows of the village one moonless night. For a while Joseph was content with his retarded bride and almost forgot about his plan for revenge. The need to avenge his daughter however was too strong, too emotive for him to forget. He decided that however much he loved Penny he needed to fulfil his plan to send that fish to its maker. He knew he wouldn’t complete his mission with Penny around, she was too much of a distraction, plus her condition was starting to deteriorate, she was beginning to waste away both physically and mentally. It would kill him inside almost as much as the loss of his daughter had but Joseph decided that the best thing to do was to kill her. That night Joseph carried out his will, it is not known now Joseph did away with Penny but she was found buried in a shallow grave underneath the oldest oak tree in the village. Joseph had taken her rings, clothes and photos so that he had something to remember her by for she meant so very much to him. When word got out a few days later that Penny’s body had been found Joseph hurriedly finished his device and prepared his boat to set sail the very next morning. He knew he would be the main suspect and was keen to find this fish, this scourge that consumed his daughter and had now incited him to kill his love.

The night before Joseph left he tried to round up a crew to come with him on his voyage but no one was prepared to go. It seemed that the legend of this fish was far bigger than Joseph had first thought, many a sailor had been said to try and slay the beast but of those who tried there was only one who survived. His name was Captain Blood Blood; Joseph immediately went to visit him. Captain Blood Blood was a large bearded old man who lived in the next village to Joseph; he too was a renowned fisherman and sailor and had come across the killer fish in his younger years whilst out fishing. According to the Captain he and his crew the Sea Dogs fought the fish for hours to no avail, the fish ended up destroying Blood Bloods’ ship and getting away. Josephs visit to the Captain didn’t do much to encourage him for the task ahead; the conclusion being that the fish can’t be killed. Although the Captain thought it a bad idea for Joseph to go and take on the fish he understood Joseph’s motives for doing so. Joseph explained to the Captain that no one would go on the trip with him, the Captain promised to send his Sea Dogs out to join him within the next few days. The two men said their good byes and then parted.

Early the next morning Joseph set sail, it was a good felling to be back on his boat again where he belonged. As he was leaving the shore, his village becoming an increasingly smaller spot on the horizon he couldn’t but think about all of the things that had happened to him over his years there. He thought about life as a young Fisherman with his late wife, his daughter and his bride, Penny, he kept seeing her in that shallow grave under the oak tree where he left her only a few days previous and wondered whether he’d ever return.

Joseph had been sailing for a few days out to the spot where he last saw his daughter, Mary, and her killer fish. He was starting to wonder whether he would be able to kill this fish and whether the Sea Dogs that Captain Blood Blood promised to send would ever turn up, without them he didn’t stand a chance. He had his contraption which was basically a large cage, inside of which Joseph would place bait to entice the fish to enter at which point he would release the large spike at the top of the cage to drop and impale the beast. Without extra hands to help operate this contraption however Joseph thought that he might as well give up and turn around. At that very moment he heard music rolling across the sea towards him, he looked up and saw a boat in the distance. As the ship drew closer the music became more audible “here come the Sea Dogs, here come the Sea Dogs”. As they approached Joseph saw three young men sitting in the boat, he threw them down the rope ladder and all three boarded the boat. The three men looked very tired and after dealing with the usual pleasantries they got to talk about the events over the last few days. They talked about how the police were looking for Joseph back at the village, for he was a wanted man, the number one suspect for the murder of Penny, his retarded bride. The four men sat down to a meal of Fish and Bread and discussed the plans for the next day, for they would be reaching the spot where the fish lived tomorrow. They told him the story of Arthur, one of many fishermen who had tried to slay this fish many moons ago. Arthur had left on a boat alone on a mission to kill the fish, for the beast had also taken someone special to him, his first mate Peter. Apparently he was out at sea for months before he finally met the fish but when he did a great battle ensued and despite his best efforts Arthur lost. During the struggle Arthur got caught on one his fishing lines and ended up hanging off the side of his ship. Despite the story Joseph felt safer now that the Sea Dogs were there to help.

The next day they reached the area that they believed the fish was in. They dropped anchor and set up Josephs trap. All they could do was wait, hours passed, then finally they heard the familiar sound of the giant fish ramming into the side of the boat, and everyone rushed to their positions. They watched as the fish circled the boat, it was obviously intrigued by the various bits of meat floating in Josephs’ cage but it seemed to know that entering the cage was not a good idea. The Fish decided to try and attack the four men instead, jumping up at Joseph and the others snapping its huge jaws. By this point Joseph had got the spear from his trap and started trying to impale the fish on the end of it but it was just too quick and clever. All four men tried their very best to catch the beast but it was just not possible. The battle raged for hours until the fish barged into the side of the boat with such power that it threw Joseph and the others to the deck. Joseph must have hit his head because at that point he blacked out. He awoke and was alone; the ship was sinking from the huge crack in the side of it. Looking down Joseph realised that he’d lost both his legs and his mind turned to rage as he cursed the sea but there was nothing he could do. As Joseph and his boat sunk to the depths he thought about his late wife, daughter and bride and wondered if he was going to the same place as them, if he would be with them once again.

No one knows what happened to Joseph, his boat was found but no bodies were to be discovered. Some believe that he still sails the seas with his Wife, Daughter and Bride aboard his ghost ship forever in search of the great Fish that affected his former life in such a profound way. The truth is that no one knows what really happened to Joseph P Ramshark apart from the man himself.

Captain Blood Blood & The Seadogs - The Tale Of Joseph P Ramshark

Captain Blood Blood & The Seadogs - Captain's Theme

Hear more of the Captain Blood Blood And The Seadogs mysterious tales of the sea here, and if you ask them very nicely, they may even send you a copy of the full Chronicles of Joseph P Ramshark. If you feel so moved as to witness the telling of the Chronicles, see the Captain at The Sunrooms in Southend on the 26th of October, and The New Cross Inn on the 6th of November.

This Morning Was Silent

This morning was silent. A translucent veil hung suspended. Green birds whirled in the sky, hunting in packs. The red ball sat ready to rise. White walls glowed weakly orange. The distant towers were barely seen. A temporary carpet lined the path. Life leaked onto the streets. I slowed to a crawl. And then was out again.

Milipop - So Nice

Milipop - Icy

Go here.

After The Fall

From a pile of long-players that recently fell from a shelf that was once precariously affixed to my bedroom wall, a couple of random Wednesday winners. When I set about trying to pick them up, Life Without Buildings and The Mekons were at the top of the sea-like pile. I believe that is called fate or something.

I think there’s a link between these two somewhere beyond a manly disregard for manufacturer’s recommendations, or trying to make a happy accident out of the chaos, but I can’t seem to fathom it. If anyone has any ideas, please feel free to force them upon me in anyway you see fit.

There will be a prize for the winning suggestion, which may or may not be this.

Life Without Buildings - New Town

The Mekons - Psycho Cupid

Begone, Foul Spot

Such has been my day, I feel the need to immerse myself in a stately bath of lunacy and pomp and reassuring mental salts, just so I know that after all, it doesn’t really matter, and they are, in fact, a set of fools.

In my humble opinion, when you find yourself in just such a predicament, you should start your recuperation with a quick all-over Having Brunch With Peter. Clinically proven to re-arrange the cob-webs, and the incredulity, and the despondency:

Having Brunch With Peter – The Art Of War

Once the soul and body have been purged of the filth that can accumulate if you choose to spend your time with nonsense people, it is time to enrich and stimulate the mind, so you can start asking some serious questions. The questions that trouble you in the quiet moments. Neither Do I will help you in this:

Neither Do I – What

And there you are, back to full Mentalist body and mind efficiency.

If symptoms persist, further treatments might be necessary. You can find them here and here.